Craigslist is a horrible place. You can buy anything, which is what makes it a nightmare.
Case in point: Check out this listing for “The Tiger Couch.”
No, it isn’t a couch made out of tigers or a couch made for tigers; it’s just a really cheesy-looking couch with tiger stripe prints on it. This couch costs $7,000.
Why is it so expensive? Well, apparently, it’s a magical couch. The tiger couch can make people pregnant.
According to the couch’s description, the last three couples who came near the couch got pregnant.
The ad says this is a great couch for people looking to start a family, but it’s really just a regular, ugly couch that looks like a prop for a movie about a sleazy Hollywood producer.
First of all, those aren’t impressive numbers. Three couples getting pregnant isn’t noteworthy.
That’s what couples do — they either get married or get pregnant. If a 90-year-old nun sat on the couch and got pregnant, then you could say it has “pregnancy powers.”
Instead, the only proof is that people who were having regular sex with each other got pregnant, and oh yeah, they were also near the couch at some point. That would be like saying, “The last three criminals who sat on the couch ended up getting arrested.”
Yeah, that’s what criminals do. There are no magic couch powers involved.
The couch costs $7,000. If you’re willing to spend seven grand on a magic couch, you shouldn’t be having kids, period.
There’s no way someone willing to do that is ready to be a parent.
Having kids is expensive, so parents need to learn how to cut back on their spending.
If they even consider spending that much on a magic couch, they have no idea what they’re doing.
This just seems like a dirty ploy to sell an ugly couch. And it’s a super-ugly couch. It looks like something a sleazy swinger from the ’70s would be creeped out by.
The strangest part is that after the ad talks about the couch’s magic pregnancy powers, it goes on to describe how comfortable it is.
Yeah, I don’t care.
That’s not important if the couch is going to get people pregnant.
That’s such a huge detail that it overshadows everything else.
Either you want the couch for its baby powers — in which case you’d be OK with it not being the most comfortable — or you don’t want a baby.
If you don’t want a baby, you’re not buying a couch that creates babies, even if it is “very cozy.”
Look, there are a lot of reasons not to buy this couch. It looks awful. If you don’t think it’s got baby-making powers, then it’s just an ugly couch.
If you believe it does have powers, then just by buying it you’re proving that you’re not ready for a kid. The best thing to do is just pretend this doesn’t exist.
Michael Hollan is a news and entertainment writer.