I’m sure you’ve been in a relationship with a man who started out doing all kinds of things to surprise you, like coming up with plans and showing you how much he cared. And then he stopped. Once he no longer did these unexpected things for you, it made you lose that feeling of falling in love, the feeling that used to drive you wild with excitement to see him and be with him.
Well, the reality is that men often experience this same kind of thing with women. When a relationship starts to get more comfortable, more predictable and has more routines in it, the kind of intense passion that a man once felt can sometimes fizzle out.
But what fizzles out isn’t just about the physical part of the relationship; it has to do with something I call “emotional attraction.”
Emotional attraction is the thing that gets a man to open up, share his feelings and connect with a woman on a deeper level than he usually allows into his life. It’s what bonds a man to one woman over the long term.
When a man says that he doesn’t feel “in love” with you anymore, what he’s really saying is, “I used to feel both physical and emotional attraction with you. But the way our relationship has been, I’m not feeling much of any of that emotional attraction now. And because of that, what I feel in my heart and my head tells me that something is ‘off’ in our relationship, and I don’t know what to do about it.”
When a man asks for or creates distance or space, it’s tempting to try to resist it and grab on tighter, but that only backfires. That’s because people naturally tend to want to run away from that which is running to them. He’ll feel like you’re forcing closeness, and he’ll want out of it.
Instead, you want to create emotional attraction between the two of you in order to reconnect. Here’s how.
1. Allow him the space he needs and take some time for yourself.
That means you take all that energy and attention you’ve been putting into holding the relationship together and instead redirect it towards your own life: your friends, your hobbies, whatever makes you happy.
When you do this, something magical happens. First, you feel empowered over the situation so that your emotions do not overtake you. Second, men often move past their own doubts and fears in their own time when given space (a few hours or days) to do so.
2. Shake things up a little to create interest and excitement.
Remember what I said before about attraction and love happening to a man because of newness and unpredictability? Learn what being in love really means to a man and what to do if he’s not “feeling it” anymore. Well, if things have fizzled out with a man you had a close, connected relationship with, you can jump-start things by injecting new and unpredictable things into how you relate with him.
So, if you normally have the same weekend routine, mix it up. Come up with something different and interesting to do. Pick a sport that you can do with him, go out and meet new people together, explore different ways to be intimate together, plan a trip somewhere you’ve always wanted to go. And if you are together all the time, spending time apart creates newness and unpredictability, too.
If things are stalling in your relationship but you used to feel very connected to him, this is actually good news for you. That’s because you already have all the ingredients you need to re-light the fire of the relationship.
If he was physically and emotionally attracted to you before, you can inspire the same level of closeness again. All it takes to keep the emotional attraction strong is to give him the space he needs and create fresh opportunities to keep you both excited about your time together.
If you’ve ever wanted to know what a man really thinks about dating and commitment, subscribe to Christian’s free e-newsletter. He’ll reveal the kind of qualities a man can’t help falling for in a woman and what it takes to make him give up his “single” freedom for the love of just one woman for the long term.