Ah, the deep, dark obsessions we all have and yet cannot possibly admit. Our horoscope probably can’t even pick up on them. Well, after all, they ARE obsessions and if they’re as deep and dark as I think they are, then hell no, you’re not going to tell the world about them, are you? That’s why they’re deep and dark because they’re a bit… taboo.
I once attended a meeting where people were “sharing” their darkest secrets. “Ooh, right up my alley,” I thought as I listened to the unique tales of my fellow humans. We do make up an interesting species, don’t we?
And then, I remember a young man getting up and confessing to the crowd that every time he had sex, he liked to imagine stabbing his mother to death, over and over. Well hello eye-opener. And scary guy. And bye-bye I’m out.
Nonetheless, the world is made up of a lot of human beings with intensely weird imaginations, some bordering on obsessions. So, if fantasizing that you’re murdering your mom while having sex isn’t your thing, then what is?
Here’s the great part: the zodiac is very tell tale about its people and their deepest, darkest obsessions. Just when you thought it was safe to be a weepy, milk toast Pisces — sorry, you guys are some of the most depraved obsessors of ’em all. But first, let’s see what the deep, dark zodiac sign obsessions are.
ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
Crowds. Aries dreams of crowds of worshiping admirers all paying nonstop attention to the great Aries as she or he… strips. Yes, naked is the way for Aries, and if anyone desires to pole dance for the entire world, it’s your glitter-covered Ram.
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
Truth be known, Taurus dreams of world domination. If they could silence the entire world, they would, because the dark dream of being the only one able to demand, command and speak, well, that’s the Taurean dream come true.
GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)
You don’t know dark until you’ve experienced the mind of Gemini. They run surrealistic, these astrological twins; in fact, they’re so dark, they’re Twin Peaks dark. What’s their obsession? Being someone else — dressing up as someone else and faking people out, in dangerous ways.
CANCER (June 21 – July 22)
Let’s just say, if it burns, Cancer is into it. Yes, as in arson. Something about that “homey” personality trait; when it goes dark, the home in question will be burnt to the ground with all of its occupants in it. Oh, you crazy Cancer, you.
LEO (July 23 – August 22)
If there’s anyone out there who wants to go backwards in time to the good ol’ days of wearing a diaper and shaking a rattle, it’s our infantile friend, Leo. Obsessed with both getting attention and “the good ol’ days,” you may spy an extra large diaper in one of their drawers. Don’t ask.
Their obsession is private and guarded, but they will let you feed them their nightly bottle, if you so consent to.
VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)
Whatever it is, it’s violent, it’s degrading, it’s humiliating and you’re at the center of it. Virgo doesn’t spare detail when they obsess darkly, and they may find the use of power tools as well as broken glass a part of what they “use” on you, in their dark fantasy. No whips and rubber here — it’s Driller Killer time.
LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)
When you’re always the “nice guy,” you tend to go very dark in your own private fantasy life. Libra’s obsession is sexual. In real life, they’re all kindness and consideration. But in their dark, deep, obsessed state, it’s all about sexually insane abandon and much, much, much masturbation. Let’s just say, they dig it RUDE.
SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)
Remember the guy who confessed to stabbing his mom multiple times in order to get off? Betcha anything he was a Scorpio. Look, face it: darkness and wrongness are the Scorpio calling card. Your bad, violent, bloody death is what they want. No sex required, they can get that anywhere, any time.
SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)
These poor schmucks have such lofty dreams. Too bad they’re all about flying and saving people. But don’t underestimate these Sagittarius dreamers; the dark, obsessive part is the one where, in order to fly and save people, they have to poison millions of innocent souls. Hey, it’s all fantasy, right?
CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)
Cap obsesses about the day they can escape. And I mean escape EVERYTHING. This is the worker bee who freaks, the postal employee who torches the entire US Mail system.
Capricorn has just seen too much “ordinary” and they’d give their life for something exciting. Capricorn is the one with the grenade vest on or, at least, they like thinking they’re that person.
AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)
Poor Aquarius. When you’re that much of a loser in real life, you have to have dark fantasies to keep you afloat, right? Naw, it’s not that they’re really LOSERS in real life, but it IS that they never get what they want, especially in love, so they love to destroy other people’s relationships. Schadenfreude (delighting in someone else’s misery) was created by an Aquarian.
PISCES (February 19 – March 20)
Ah, our dear, dear friend Pisces. When you cry after masturbation, what no one knows is that you LIKE crying after masturbation. So much so that you like to take it to new levels.
Pisces likes to shriek and cry bloody murder as they orgasm. The sadder, the better. Talk about weird kink. Imagine getting together with diaper-wearing Leo… oy, that’s a visual worth blocking.
Ruby Miranda is a New Yorker who learned astrology, I Ching and all types of cartomancy and numerology from her crazy, gypsy mother. She currently writes for a wide range of esoteric publications.