Often, during the marriage consultations I run, I get asked, “Nicola, how can I get my spouse to change or seek help?”
It’s highly likely that when you start on your quest to better your marriage, you’re going to run into resistance and that will most likely come from the one person you want to change — your spouse.
You will hear MANY excuses:
- “Accept me as I am.”
- “We can fix this on our own.”
- “We are beyond help.”
- “Marriage counseling is a waste of money and time.”
- “Is there any point to it all?”
- “I don’t feel like it, my heart’s not in it.”
Perhaps instead of excuses, you can just sense that your partner is not emotionally interested anymore, that they’re not willing to put in the effort. Worst case scenario, they don’t think anything needs to change. They might think everything is OK while you are desperately unhappy with your relationship.
If any of the above is true for you, you are not alone, I assure you.
I get asked “HOW do I MAKE them change?” so often. I understand your frustration but you have to listen to the answer so that you can move forward with saving your marriage.
Here is the answer… YOU DON’T!
I know what you’re thinking: “They have to change, I can’t take it any longer.” Or “They should change when I keep telling them how important it is to me.”
Here’s the thing. It is widely believed that we are resistant to change. But this is not true. We change all the time, especially if we have chosen a new path.
If you look closely, it’s not change we’re resistant to, but it’s human nature to not like change when it’s IMPOSED UPON US.
Now, if we take a moment to reflect on this it becomes so obviously true. When we feel forced or when we feel we are being manipulated into the change, we run a mile. Compared to when we choose to make a change, then we’re ready to tackle it head-on.
And here is the important part!
Your spouse has to think change is THEIR idea. They want a great marriage too. No one wants to be miserable or in conflict. They want to change but ONLY if they can initiate it themselves.
Your partner will change when they are good and ready to change and not before. There is nothing you can do to “make” them. The more you push, the more they will turn away. I understand that you don’t want to sit around and do nothing BUT you have to let it be their choice.
I want you to pay attention here! My advice would be to BACK OFF. Give your spouse breathing room if you’ve been trying to make them change.
Instead, let’s focus on YOUR change and how you are going to save your marriage.
So, here is what we ARE going to do… We are going to work on your change and be an inspiring example to your spouse.
“For every positive change you make in your life, something else also changes, for the better — it creates a chain reaction,” says Leon Brown
You’re going to focus on making positive changes in your life that will reflect in your marriage and create a chain reaction in your partner. You’ll show them how your choices make YOU feel about yourself and YOUR marriage.
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You’ll be amazed how quickly they will WANT to join you in making these changes for themselves and then you can BOTH join forces and create a happier and loving marriage together.
When they make the choice, it will be ON THEIR TERMS. You are 50 percent of this equation and if you put in the effort, you can have an 80 percent-plus influence — so you can have a great impact.
I know this as I see the results from those who follow my advice.
Start today! Start working on being the change you want to see in the relationship and in them. Think of 3 actions you can take now to show them love, appreciation, and care. List them on your phone and make them a daily habit.
Nicola Beer is a Marriage Transformation Specialist and Founder of Save My Marriage Program. Get the 7 Secrets Now!
This article was originally published at savemymarriageprogram.com . Reprinted with permission from the author.