Do you keep attracting the same type of partner again and again with a different body? Or do you notice that you’re falling out of love with the person you’re with?
Attracting positive qualities in a partner isn’t as easy as it sounds.
Here’s a principle to consider: What you appreciate appreciates.
In short, if you focus only on the “negative” qualities, you’ll get more of those. Why? Because your brain is designed to find what you’re looking for.
Have you ever had something on your mind (i.e., “I want new red shoes”), and then everywhere you look, you see red shoes? It because your brain is primed to see them.
Every time you start looking for the good, positive qualities in a person, you’ll find them. The same is true when you look for bad qualities.
If you’re single and you keep attracting the same partner over and over again, you’re probably following chemistry. But you may not be stopping to ask your rational mind an important question: “Does he have my top must-have qualities?”
This means things like emotional availability — not just how they look.
So, how do you start supporting positive qualities in your partner?
Identifying positive qualities in the people you know will help to draw them out.
And identifying whether a potential partner has these qualities will help you say “no” to a partner who doesn’t possess these qualities before you fall for them.
That’s why you focus on looking for the good ones. When you open ourselves up to receiving what’s good in your partner and the world — to seek out the positive qualities — that’s what you’re going to get more of.
Discovering what you want helps you discover, first, what you don’t want.
For example, have you been with someone who was constantly rushing you?
If you have a terrible experience with this person, then you’re going to want somebody who takes their time. The positive quality here is patience.
You will never be happy with somebody who continuously rushes you if one of your needs is patience.
Identifying positive qualities in a partner.
Identifying positive qualities can be a little more challenging than you might think.
First, let’s take a look at the negatives. Framing something negatively does not equal a positive, and you’re looking for positive qualities.
It’s important to always identify the positives in positive language, rather than the negatives in negative language.
For example, if you’re looking for somebody who’s not always rushing, you’re only going to see people who rush, first. Only afterward will you finally see the people who are not rushing.
You have to find someone exhibiting the negative quality before you can negate it.
But if you flip that around to say you’re looking for people who take their time or have patience, you will certainly find those people first.
Qualities versus skills.
Secondly, there’s a big difference between qualities and skills. Quality is something you possess internally that dictates your behavior. What you do is the behavior.
In the example above, it looks identical for people to take their time and have patience. But people who take their time may have a rushed mindset and are deliberately taking action against it.
People who have the quality of patience can wait without the internal struggle.
Improve your own qualities by looking for positive traits in a partner.
Sometimes, it’s easier looking outside yourself for what you want, rather than looking inside.
So, start with what kind of qualities you want in a partner.
Attracting positive traits in a partner: Make a list.
Go ahead and write down your ideas for everything you want to see, feel, and experience from your partner.
Make this list as long as you want, identifying every single little thing you can think of.
It’s OK at this point if it’s positive or negative, an action or a quality. You’re going to refine it in a bit.
Flip your “negatives” into positives.
When you’re done, look at your list. Go back through and find all of your “negatives.” Take a look at them and flip them to the positive side.
Did you mention something like “not rude?” Flip that to “polite.”
Doesn’t interrupt? Try “waits for you to speak.”
Do you get the idea?
Now, take a look at your list again for any actions. This might be a little more challenging.
Take a look at your list and start matching up the habits and actions with the quality it represents. It might take you a little time to do it, but it will be worth it.
Once you finish those steps, put your list away for the night. This gives your mind time to think about what you just put together and the next day, pull it back out.
You’re taking this time to really reflect and let your subconscious figure out what you truly want.
Appreciating your partner’s great qualities.
If you’re in a relationship, ask yourself: “How can I appreciate my partner when they demonstrate these qualities?”
Remember, what you appreciate appreciates. If you look for these qualities, you’ll find them and draw them out of the other person.
If you’re single, then go through that list and choose the top five qualities that you must have in a partner.
These are non-negotiable qualities. That means if a person does not have these particular qualities, you’re not going to waste your time thinking of them as an active romantic partner.
They can be a good friend, but they won’t fulfill you as a partner.
You can also take some time and look at what’s negotiable. Are there traits that you would like to see but really aren’t that important? Mark those down, too.
Then when you’re dating and you start to get swept up in chemistry, you can ask yourself, “Does he have these qualities?”
If not, then the longer you stay in this relationship, the more unfulfilled you’ll be.
If you end a budding relationship with someone who isn’t right for you now, then you’ll open up your time to meet someone who is right for you.
Identify your own positive qualities.
This can be incredibly hard because most of us have difficulty being kind to ourselves.
I still recommend you go to the steps above and identify your qualities. Ask your family and friends if they would do the same thing for you.
They might give you an extensive list of “negatives” and actions, but you already have practice translating those into good qualities.
If you get a couple of people to do this for you, you’ll start to notice a pattern.
The more you focus on these positive qualities, the more you’ll find what you’re looking for.
Valerie Greene is a unique relationship mentor who has been helping women attract, re-ignite, and sustain lasting love since 2005. You can download her free E-Guide, “Man-ifest Lasting Love,” to unveil her simple, proven system for becoming irresistible to men.
This article was originally published at coachvaleriegreene.com. Reprinted with permission from the author.