We’ve all been there: knowing the best comebacks to say after the argument is over. And if you’re reading these funny quotes and hilarious insults, you probably have, too.
You keep thinking to yourself, “Why didn’t I say that!?” It’s totally frustrating after an argument to have a great thing to say at the completely wrong time!
The list below has a comeback for practically every situation you could possibly run into — from the jerk boyfriend and the fake friend to the helicopter parent and the nosy neighbor. If you’re feeling extra ambitious and slightly willing to risk your job, there’s even have zingers for the notorious cranky customer.
Proceed with caution and be sure to carry a mic with you when using these, because you’ll definitely need to drop it after.
Here’s a list of 90 hilarious, epic comebacks to use next time you need to get in the last word and make it count.
1. “Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize that you’re an expert on my life and how I should live it. Please continue while I take notes.”
Make sure to use extra sarcasm.
2. “When somebody says that you are wrong say, ‘You’re entitled to your incorrect opinion.'”
To each his own.
3. “If someone call you boring say, ‘Yeah, and what makes you so exciting?'”
Nothing, that’s what.
4. “I’d agree with you but then we’d both be wrong.”
That’s no way to go through life.
5. “When people call you short, tell them, ‘Dynamite comes in small packages.'”
Be careful about lighting the fuse.
6. “There are two sides to every story, but you’re a jerk in both of them.”
Funny how that works out.
7. “I’ve found puddles deeper than you.”
Because you’re all surface, baby.
8. “Oh, you don’t like being treated the way you treat me? That must suck.”
Don’t dish out what you can’t take in return.
9. “Did I invite you to my barbecue? Then why are you all up in my grill?”
Hey, George Foreman called.
10. “I love what you’ve done with your hair. How do you get it to come out of the nostrils like that?”
Buy some clippers while you’re at it.
11. “Your lips keep moving but all I hear is ‘Blah, blah, blah.'”
Shutting my brain off… now.
12. “If you’re waiting for me to care, you better pack a lunch. It’s going to be a while.”
Might as well take a trip to the moon while you’re at it.
13. “The zoo called. They’re wondering how you got out of your cage?”
Time to take you back to the enclosure now.
14. “If laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world.”
You could probably cure cancer.
15. “If I had a face like yours I’d sue my parents.”
Blame them, not me for pointing it out.
16. “If you’re gonna be a smarta**, first you have to be smart. Otherwise you’re just an a**.”
The grammar errors make it ironic.
17. “If you ran like your mouth you’d be in good shape.”
18. “When guys say ‘suck it,’ I always reply with, ‘Sorry, small objects are a choking hazard.'”
Yeah, I’m saying you have a micropenis. Womp womp.
19. “I guess if you actually ever spoke your mind, you’d really be speechless.”
Feel free to keep your mouth shut instead.
20. “Hey, you have something on your chin… No, the third one down.”
Keep going… keep going…
21. “You’re such a beautiful, intelligent, wonderful person. Oh I’m sorry, I thought we were having a lying competition.”
You win that one.
22. “I’ll never forget the first time we met. But I’ll keep trying.”
Absences makes the heart remember, apparently.
23. “You have the face of a saint. A Saint Bernard, that is.”
Beethoven says hey.
24. “Have a nice day… somewhere else.”
Why are you still here?
25. “The people who tolerate you on a daily basis are the real heroes. Myself, for example.”
I should get a gold medal for this.
26. “I love the sound you make when you shut up.”
Ah, silence. It’s beautiful.
27. “If I ever said anything to offend you, it was purely intentional.”
I don’t make mistakes, that’s why.
28. “You should really come with a warning label.”
Preferably one with pictures.
29. “Don’t worry about me. Worry about your eyebrows.”
You should see someone about that.
30. “I thought of you today. It reminded me to take the garbage out.”
Now that you mention it, that kind of reminds me to empty the compost, too.
Best Savage Comebacks
31. “Of course I talk like an idiot. How else could you understand me?”
Do you understand?
32. “If you have a problem with me than cry me a river and drown yourself in it.”
Just like that Justin Timberlake song…
33. “Roses are red, violets are blue, I’ve got five fingers, the middle one is for you.”
Yes, all for you.
34. “Please move away from the sunlight. I hate the smell of burning plastic.”
For the Regina George in your life.
35. “Why don’t you just slip into something more comfortable like a coma.”
OK, maybe a little harsh. But here’s hoping.
36. “Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so.”
He’s already in my DMs.
37. “Is your a** jealous of al that s*** coming out of your mouth?”
For when you want to call someone out.
38. “If you’re going to be two-faced, at least make sure one of them is pretty.”
It’s the least you can do.
39. “Your only purpose in life is as an organ donor.”
Let someone else live.
40. “Isn’t there a bullet somewhere you could be jumping in front of?”
41. “You have an entire life to be an idiot. Why not take today off?”
You deserve a break.
42. “How many licks until I get to the interesting part of this conversation?”
It should take three, like a Tootsie Pop.
43. “Take my lowest priority and put yourself beneath it.”
No, lower than that.
44. “I hope your wife brings a date to your funeral.”
She can do better.
45. “I wasn’t born with enough middle fingers to let you know how I feel about you.”
Should be pretty evident.
46. “There’s no need to repeat yourself. I ignored you just fine the first time.”
I can do this all day.
47. “You are so fake, even China denied they made you.”
And they make almost everything.
48. “No I’m not insulting you — I’m describing you.”
Know the difference.
49. “The trash gets picked up tomorrow. Be ready.”
You ready to hop in that garbage can?
50. “You bring everyone a lot of joy… when you leave the room.”
That’s when the real party starts.
51. “You’ll never be the man your mother is.”
Props to her for delivering you.
52. “You don’t need some beauty sleep, you need to hibernate.”
Follow that bear’s lead.
53. “That sounds like a ‘you’ problem.”
Not my issue.
54. “You’re not as bad as people say. You’re a whole lot worse.”
Take that to heart, please.
55. “Please, save your breath. You’ll probably need it to blow up your next date.”
Yes, I’m saying your date is a blow-up doll.
56. “I sure hope there’s a lifeguard in your gene pool.”
You’ll drown otherwise.
57. “You are more disappointing than a wet sandwich.”
And wet French fries.
58. “You have the perfect face for radio.”
Even then, you probably shouldn’t talk.
59. “I believed in evolution until I met you.”
In fact, it’s evolution in reverse.
60. “You look like something that I would draw with my left hand.”
And I’m not ambidextrous.
61. “If I wanted to kill myself, I’d climb up your ego and jump down to your IQ level.”
It’s a long way down.
62. “Unless your name is Google, stop acting like you know everything.”
That’s right, Karen.
63. “I’m sure that 90 percent your ‘beauty’ could be removed with a Kleenex.”
64. “1 universe, 8 planets, 7 seas, 7 continents, 809 islands, 196 countries, and I had the unfortunate luck of meeting you.”
They didn’t even include Pluto. Shade!
65. “Mirrors don’t lie, and lucky for you, they don’t laugh.”
Because they’d never stop laughing.
66. “I was going to give you a nasty look, but I see you already have one.”
Your face says it all.
67. “I hope that bus you threw me under swerves and hits you on the sidewalk.'”
Don’t mess with me.
68. “Why don’t you check eBay and see if they have a life for sale?”
You can borrow my computer.
69. I’m really busy right now, can I ignore you some other time?
How does forever sound?
70. The last time I saw something like you… I flushed.
Double flush, actually.
71. “Someday you’ll go far — and I really hope you stay there.”
Please, don’t come back.
72. “I treasure the time I don’t spend with you.”
It’s much more peaceful.
73. “I’d say you’re ‘dumb as a rock,’ but at least a rock can hold a door open.”
Yes, I’m saying you have no purpose, either.
74. “May both sides of your pillow be uncomfortably warm.”
Because you deserve it.
75. “I don’t know what your problem is, but I’m guessing it’s hard to pronounce.”
Don’t tell me, either way.
76. “Methinks thou art a general offence and every man should be thee.” —William Shakespeare, “All’s Well That Ends Well”
Yes, it’s classy but effective.
77. “Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.”
Apologize to your parents, too.
78. “I’d love to insult you but I’m afraid I won’t do as well as nature did.”
79. “I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing as how you’ve never used it.”
What a burn!
80. “Yes, I walked away mid-conversation. You were boring me to death and my survival instincts kicked in.”
Like Tom Hanks in “Castaway.”
81. “They say opposites attract. I hope you meet someone who is good-looking, intelligent, and cultured.”
Some shade to throw during a breakup.
82. “I’m trying my absolute hardest to see things from your perspective, but I just can’t get my head that far up my a**.”
Don’t try too hard.
83. “When someone calls you stupid, say, ‘Yeah, you’re rubbing off on me.'”
Can’t have any more of that.
84. “If I had a dollar for every time you said something smart, I’d be broke.”
Not counting on you to pay my mortgage.
85. “I’m not a proctologist, but I know an a*****e when I see one.””
And I’m not the only one.
86. “I’d like to help you out. Which way did you come in?”
The exit is that way.
87. “You grow on people… like a wart.”
Which means you’re just as hard to remove.
88. “When you were born, the doctor threw you out the window… and the window threw you right back!”
And the doctor was disappointed.
89. “People like you are the reason I’m on medication.”
Sometimes, more than one.
90. “You’re so ugly that as soon as your mother went into labor, all of the hospital staff went on strike.”
It’s a miracle you’re still around.
Jill Zwarensteyn is a writer and Michigan native who covers trending topics, pop culture and astrology.