Are you suffering from dating burnout and want to know what you can do about it?
Modern dating has evolved over the years, and just like life, it’s moving faster than some people can adapt.
What’s more is that your own personal expectations to be successful in the dating scene are a recipe for failure, disappointment, and dating burnout. Been there, done that, have the battle scars to show for it.
Let’s start with full disclosure: I’m not a dating coach. Oh, dear lord, no. I’m a burnout coach. My dating burnout experience comes from being single myself for 21 years.
So, I know a thing or three about dating burnout. I also know a thing or three about how to reinvigorate your attitude toward dating so you can avoid burnout and be successful in your relationship search.
First thing’s first, how do you know you’re in dating burnout?
Burnout isn’t exclusive to professional endeavors. There are several signs that you’re in dating burnout — including dreading another swipe, ignoring first-contact messages, or feeling like Groundhog Day when having another first conversation.
Amira Johnson, M.S.W., a therapist who specializes in women’s issues in Atlanta, states in an Elite Daily article, “Refusing to take a break from dating can definitely take a toll on one’s mental, physical, and emotional health. [It] can lead to people coming to conclusions that they are not enough, feeling like a failure, and consistently feeling sad.”
Luckily, there are 6 ways to bounce back if you have dating burnout.
1. Stop the insanity!
What is the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. That’s insane and exhausting. Yet, you do it every day.
When you’re in dating burnout, it’s important to recognize what you’re doing isn’t getting you the results you want. It’s time to recognize the need for change.
2. Have no expectations and they will always be exceeded.
It took me years to get to this point. What a game-changer! By going into each interaction with no expectations, I was able to be curious and carefree.
I wasn’t afraid to be me and I had less anxiety about having “another first call” or meeting someone I’d been speaking to.
There really is something to this that completely changes one’s outlook and allows them to be more authentically themselves.
That’s attractive to any potential partners.
3. Take the high road — always.
Yep, there’s a lot of smelly, yucky stuff out there in the dating scene. Ghosting, benching, breadcrumbing — the list of bad behavior goes on forever.
Even though others do it, there’s still no excuse for you to act that way.
If you’re guilty of any of these, take a good look at the impact of that behavior not just on the person receiving it, but on yourself.
Look in the mirror. Simply treat others as you want to be treated. When someone truly does this, it shows. And that’s a turn-on.
4. Leave the juggling to the clowns.
When I was online dating and using dating apps, if I found myself in an interesting conversation with someone, I would hide my profile so no one else would contact me.
I felt it was important to give that person my undivided attention (if only for a couple of days or weeks).
I also never used more than a couple of apps at a time. Once, as an experiment, I had six apps up. I cannot tell you the number of familiar faces I saw across all the apps.
What that told me was that these people were either not authentically wanting to meet one person, or that they were clueless as to what they were looking for.
When I would meet up with someone (I still struggled with the word “date”), I would make sure I wasn’t swiping on the app. The whole point was to find one person, not a plan B or C.
I wanted to give the person in front of me an opportunity — us, an opportunity. As a woman, I am stunned at the number of men I’ve talked to who claimed other women they spoke to were speaking to others at the same time. (Move that behavior to the red flag column!)
Again, leave the juggling to the pros. Fish in fewer ponds for greater focus and give your undivided attention to whoever’s in front of you.
At a minimum, you will gain even greater clarity in what you’re looking for in someone else and how you show up with others. That knowledge about yourself is powerful!
5. Know you, own you, and communicate you, clearly.
This means being your authentic self and being up front about what you’re looking for. “I’m not sure” isn’t an answer if you are actively in the dating pool.
If you have not yet done the work to know yourself and what you want for yourself and what you want your future to look like with someone else in it, now is an excellent time to pause and do so.
Knowing who you are and what you want shows up as confidence and clarity.
I used to be a bit of a chameleon when I met someone. When I was dating the biker dudes, I had my leather. When I was dating the white-collar corporate boys, I was always perfectly coiffed and perfumed.
But, I am authentically much more bohemian, laidback, and carefree than that. I’d rather be in a sundress and Birkenstocks than anything else. When I started owning who and what I am, I felt more attractive. And I show up that way, too.
Don’t be a chameleon. Truly be yourself. If a potential partner isn’t interested in who you are, then they are not your person. Find another door.
6. Stop ignoring the red flags.
Oh, if I had only paid attention to the red flags! It was always in hindsight that I realized I had ignored them. At that point, I was beating myself up for being so gullible, stupid, and ignorant.
Red flags are everywhere and different for everyone, so knowing yours and actually paying attention to them will save you much grief.
I now joke that I would’ve found what I was looking for a long time ago had I paid attention here. But in that case, I wouldn’t be with my current boyfriend, so I suppose everything happens for a reason.
Now that you’re equipped with these tried and true ways of reinvigorating your energy to overcome dating burnout, the rest is up to you.
Do the work on yourself and everything else will follow. Hire a dating coach — or even a burnout coach — to help you do the work. Either way, the situation won’t fix itself.
And for heaven’s sake, don’t put it off for 21 years like I did.
Rachelle Stone is a burnout prevention coach, who specializes in supporting clients in avoiding burnout by managing their Stress and Energy for expanded capacity, better relationships, and increased monetary success. For more information, visit her website.