John Mulaney is an iconic stand-up comedian, writer, producer, and actor who grew up in Lincoln Park, Chicago.
He gained popularity thanks to his work on “Saturday Night Live,” where he worked as a writer for six years. After Mulaney left “Saturday Night Live” in 2012, Fox picked up his sitcom pilot called “Mulaney,” which he starred in, produced, and wrote. Unfortunately, the show didn’t perform well and was canceled shortly after, in 2015.
However, his career didn’t stop there. He’s since taken on various television and voice acting roles and has even released Emmy-winning Netflix specials.
Clearly incredibly talented and hilarious, here are some of the best John Mulaney quotes and jokes.
1. “In terms of like, instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin.”
2. “I had a producer tell me I couldn’t use the word midget because it was ‘worse than the n-word.’ First off…no, it’s not. If you’re comparing the badness of two words and you won’t even say one of them, that’s the worse word.”
3. “I never knew you were supposed to push off of your feet when you walked. And I tried it, and I walked much faster.”
4. “Your opinion doesn’t matter in elementary school either. It matters in college. College is just your opinion. Just you raising your hand and being like, ‘I think Emily Dickinson’s a lesbian.’ And they’re like, ‘partial credit.’ And that’s a whole thing.”
5. “All my money is in a savings account. My dad has explained the stock market to me maybe 75 times. I still don’t understand it.”
6. “Donald Trump’s not good at running for president. He’s just good at Family Feud. So, when the Steve Harvey of this election is like, ‘Name something that is bothering Americans!’ And Ted Cruz is like, ‘Benghazi!’ WRONG! Then Trump is like, ‘All the problems.’ And that’s the number one answer on the board.”
7. “I was once on the telephone with Blockbuster Video, which is a very old-fashioned sentence.”
8. “You can do good work simply staying up all night and eating nothing but junk food, but probably not in the long term.”
9. “You can’t always see both sides of the story. Eventually, you have to pick a side and stick with it. No more equivocating. You have to commit.”
10. “I’ll keep all my emotions right here and then one day I’ll die.”
11. “I’m a very lucky person. I’m an idiot, and I’ve shoveled through life rather nicely so far, so I don’t feel like I deserve good treatment.”
12. “I like when things are crazy. Something good comes out of exhaustion.”
13. “I’ll book a ticket on some garbage airline. I don’t wanna name an actual airline so let’s make one up, let’s just call it like Delta Airlines.”
14. “Late at night, on the street, women will see me as a threat. That is funny, yeah! It’s kind of flattering in its own way, but at the same time, it’s weird because, like, I’m still afraid of being kidnapped.”
15. “My vibe is like, hey you could probably pour soup in my lap and I’ll apologize to you.”
16. “13-year-olds are the meanest people in the world.”
17. “College was like a four-year game show called ‘Do My Friends Hate Me or Do I Just Need To Go To Sleep?'”
18. “I can’t listen to any new songs. Because every new song is about how tonight is the night and we only have tonight. That is such 19-year-old horsesh-t. I want to write songs for people in their 30s called ‘Tonight’s No Good. How About Wednesday? Oh, you’re in Dallas Wednesday? Let’s Not See Each Other for Eight Months and It Doesn’t Matter at All.'”
19. “I don’t look older, I just look worse.”
20. “You remember being 12, when you’re like, ‘No one look at me or I’ll kill myself.'”
21. “I played basketball for five years and I was a benchwarmer all five years. If you were never a benchwarmer, I cannot express to you the humiliation of every Saturday morning, putting on a pair of breakaway pants and never having a reason to break them away — then they’re just pants.”
22. “I quit drinking because I used to drink too much, then I would blackout, and I would ruin parties.”
23. “I am very small and I have no money. So you can imagine the kind of stress that I am under.”
24. “I paid $120,000 for someone to tell me to go read Jane Austen and then I didn’t.”
25. “Why do people shush animals? They just go ‘Shhh, hey, shhh.’ They’ve never spoken.”
26. “Now there’s new Nazis. I don’t care for these new Nazis and you may quote me on that.”
27. “I’m like an iPhone, it’s going to be worse versions of this every year, plus I get super hot in the middle of the afternoon for no reason.”
28. “I was in Connecticut recently doing white people stuff…”
29. “You’re like the kid at the sleepover who, after midnight, is like, ‘It’s tomorrow now.’ Get out of here with your technicalities. Just because you’re accurate doesn’t mean you’re interesting.”
30. “As I got into high school and after puberty, I was a little more inward. I was a real extrovert when I was little, but I don’t know, I just got quieter… With my friends, I was still an extrovert.”
Jaycee Levin is a writer who covers pop culture, astrology, and relationship topics.