He hurt your feelings and you can’t seem to get him to understand why.
You keep going around and around, talking about what happened and what he did. He seems like he’s trying to understand, but deep down, you can tell he just doesn’t get it.
You’ve calmly explained, tried not to cry, felt yourself getting more frustrated which moves you into yelling (you hate that feeling), and eventually you shut down out of shear exhaustion.
Then you get up the energy to try again but this time you can tell you’re angry, opting for sarcasm, hoping this will finally penetrate what feels impenetrable.
You desperately want him to hear you, to see you, to “get it”.
But he won’t “get it” like this.
You feel hurt, pain and disappointment. You are afraid things will never be good again which make you wonder, “were they ever really good”. It’s feels so fuzzy now. You’re confused and at your wits end.
“Why can’t he see where I’m coming from?”
So you try again by leaving notes, dripping with sweetness but fuming inside. You leave books and resources you printed from hours of researching “how to fix my relationship”. It feels good for a moment but then feels even worse because it didn’t work, it’s still the same
He’s happily in his world doing whatever he likes with no regard for you. You’re not sleeping well all the while he snores peacefully.
Eventually you end up feeling even worse because deep down you know that what you’re doing is not helping. It’s even hurtful.
It’s an all-too-common scenario.
The more you feel unheard and misunderstood, the more frustrated you are at trying to get heard and understood. You feel invisible, and that’s the most painful feeling of all.
You feel like you’re trying different things to reach him — and at surface level, that is true. But deep down, you’re doing the same thing: you’re trying to reach him.
It is important to feel seen and heard in your relationship, but this approach is coming from an energy that blocks him from seeing and hearing you.
It’s “demand” energy.
Demand energy is like wearing an invisibility cloak, and that will keep you stuck in the loop of madness.
To be seen and heard in your relationship, the first step is to create connection before you can move onto talking about the tougher stuff.
Here are 3 ways to step out of “demand mode” and into understanding.
1. Make the request, kindly.
In this step, all you have to do is invite him into a conversation.
If he doesn’t respond, clarify it again and invite him into a conversation. Make it clear that you want to hear him and have a different type of conversation than before.
3. Give him space.
If he still does not respond, allow for space and time for him to process and see what happens.
Demanding things from others never works. But we still do it because it’s the quickest and most common way for you to communicate.
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It’s also probably what you’ve learned — and you’re not alone, this is an incredibly common pattern. The good news is that there is a better way.
So what do you do after step 3?
Learn the power of creating inspiring and inviting energy. Stop the madness and learn to communicate to connect, not demand.
That’s the recipe for a truly loving and trusting relationship, where you both have no doubt that you’re safe together.
Britta Neinast is a relationship coach. For more information on her services, visit her website.
This article was originally published at Facebook. Reprinted with permission from the author.