Drinking is the ultimate double-edged sword. When you drink, you’re essentially just borrowing happiness from tomorrow.
Even the act of drinking is two-faced. If I drink champagne for three hours straight starting at 10 AM before driving home while legally blind, that’s called “brunch.” If I do the same thing while babysitting a toddler, suddenly I’m a “dangerous alcoholic.”
See what I mean? Obvious double standard.
And no matter how majestically blissful you feel getting sloshed on lemon drop shots and belting out an off-key version of “Hit Me Baby One More Time” at karaoke, you’re doomed to wake up feeling like a photo-negative, nightmare version of yourself from the previous night.
For every action, there’s an equal and opposite reaction. It’s science.
These are the conversations we all have with our best friends during those ill-fated morning afters:
1. I think my liver considered last night an act of war.
2. You know, if we just stay drunk forever, we’ll never have to be hungover.
3. What flavor of Gatorade do you want me to get you?
4. What flavor of Pedialyte do you want me to get you?
5. How many ibuprofen do you want to wash down with your Gatorade/Pedialyte?
6. Oh god, I’ve never seen my toilet so up-close before
7. Welp, if I wasn’t going to vomit before, I am now.
8. I need all your toothpaste, mouthwash, gum, and mints NOW. Actually, throw them all together in a blender.
9. Why didn’t you make me drink water before going to bed last night?
10. Do you think if we order pizza, we could get them to pick up Excedrin on the way?
11. How is it possible that my eyes hurt?
12. Definitely skipping the gym today.
13. Have you seen the back to my earring?
14. I just realized I forgot to close my tab…
15. Aaaaaaaand forgot my card at the bar.
16. I’m calling an uber to take us to Taco Bell.
17. I totally should’ve stopped after I puked the second time.
18. Thanks for holding my hair back, though.
19. Do you think they’ll notice if I wear sunglasses at work all day?
20. I need to sleep until I don’t know what year it is anymore.
21. On second thought, just put me in a coffin and lower me into the ground.