We’ve all been there. Sitting around with our cute, coupled-up friends or scrolling through Instagram seeing photos from everyone’s latest date night, all the while wondering… why am I still single?
You’re a great catch, so what’s the deal?
The answer might be those nagging thoughts that keep sabotaging your relationship and chances of finding “the one.”
1. The other person is better than me.
How tempting it is to put our other half on a pedestal. Our fear-based mind loves everything special. When we perceive the other person as someone special, we exclude ourselves from that relationship.
Only one person can be special, and it’s them. This belief creates inequality and ultimately puts a lot of pressure on your loved one.
Everything that we perceive as special is eventually taken away from us so we recognize the fact that we’re both equal and unique in our own ways.
2. I’m not good enough.
This belief makes you continually doubt yourself and your value for others. You see yourself as a flawed person, and you worry that others will see the same too. Unknowingly you put on many masks to make yourself look better than you believe you’re.
As with other subconscious beliefs, this one is a result of past emotional wounds. The way out of this hamster wheel is to allow yourself to be you — with all the madness, vulnerability, open heart, and inner strength.
What if your only job would be to “do YOU?“ Soon, you’ll see that you’re more than enough.
3. They’ll cheat on me.
This is a common fear in many relationships. Sure, we live in times when promiscuity is easy if we choose to. If someone cheats on you, they show you that they don’t respect you enough. Thus, you don’t need to feel sorry to set the bar higher and find someone who would treat you the way you desire.
Until that time, give your relationship all you have if you believe that it’s the right person. Don’t live in the land of fears because thus you hand your doubts power over your thoughts. The person who ends up suffering is you.
4. I can’t trust them.
Most people get hurt along the way. Sometimes the pain creates holes in our hearts. It makes sense that we want to protect it. Thus to guard our heart, we close it. Yet if you wish for a loving relationship, trusting your partner is crucial.
If you can’t trust them because of who they’re then perhaps it may not be the best candidate for a long-term committed relationship. But if it’s because you fear getting hurt then share that worry with your partner (but not on the first date, though) and ask them to be patient with you. Learn to trust and open yourself up a little more each day.
Deep trust leads to intimacy that touches not just the hearts but also the souls. It’s worth it.
5. I have to change to deserve them.
How many people believe that they need to change to make the other person stay? If you’re in a relationship, then trust that they chose you because of who you’re.
And if you’re at the perimeter to create a loving bond with someone, then the best way to know if you fit each other is to be your genuine self.
Every mask that you put on will eventually fall away. If you’re on a track of inner growth then always change for yourself. When we do it for others, they stop respecting us ultimately because they’ll think that it’s easy to manipulate and control us. Moreover, any external motivation dissipates as quickly as it came.
6. They’ll eventually leave me.
The fear of abandonment is widespread. When we fear that the other person will leave, we don’t share our true selves with them. On the contrary, we keep it safe under hundreds of golden locks to make sure it won’t hurt so much when they leave. And they’ll leave, it’s just a question when we fear.
To our subconscious mind, it makes sense to play it safe. But this belief works as a self-fulfilling prophecy.
We don’t commit entirely to the other person, we may even test them to see whether they truly love us, so then there comes the day when they have enough of our unconscious games, and they leave. Then the mean inner voice tells us; “you see I’ve told you!“
7. I’m not equal.
Creating an equal relationship is a must if you want to stay together for a long time. If we don’t see the other person as equal, we begin to treat them like trash. It’s harsh, but it’s a fact. If they don’t treat us as their equals, then we begin to feel like trash ourselves.
Sometimes the relationships can flip into the dynamic of parent and child. When the one is parenting the other one. This is a slippery slope and leads nowhere good. If this is your hidden belief, try to change your internal perception of yourself.
You can play out a movie in your head as being an independent, equal, adult person who knows what they want and will make it happen. You can program your mind to see yourself differently and then you’ll start acting and speaking differently too. First of all, you have to see yourself as equal, and then others will see you the same way too.
8. I don’t trust my decisions.
This belief is tricky too. When we don’t trust our decisions, we ask for the opinions of others way too often. It can spiral into the extreme when we ask for the partner’s approval and permission for most of our decisions.
Thus we rock the equality between us. Thus they may misuse their power over us unconsciously by telling us what the best for us to do is.
You can take your inner power back by stopping for a couple of moments and asking yourself what you truly want. Then you can give yourself the approval to do it. Trust that what you choose from your heart is always the best for you.
9. Life was easier when I was single.
When we’re single, we dream of having a relationship. When we’re in a relationship, we sometimes wish to be single and have complete freedom. Yes, being in a relationship requires more tolerance and an open mind.
I like to look at relationships as a divine assignment. By mirroring back to us the aspects of ourselves that we lack to see, they amplify our inner growth.
Your partner helps you to see yourself more clearly than if you’d be alone. This is a good enough reason to honor them for being our perfect mirror.
10. I’ll lose myself.
Many of us fear that we’ll lose ourselves. To some of us, myself included, it has happened. In my case, I lost myself because I was afraid to follow my heart and to say no when I should have said it. It was my first long-term relationship, and I made a mistake that many people do, I gave the power into his hands.
But I’ve learned that if you fear losing yourself, then it’s essential to commit to equality and your dreams even more. It’s a common trap to start gradually abandoning your hobbies and friends. We’ve all been there.
If this fear is taking over you, then take a piece of paper and write down what activities, people, values matter to you. Next to your list jot down how can you have more of this in your life. Then pick one thing from your list and do it.
11. I’m selfish if I do what I want.
There is so much misconception around what selfishness is. We put into the same basket actions based on the intention to hurt someone with the loving and uplifting visions we receive from our hearts.
Selfish is when someone tells you not to do something because they don’t like it.
What isn’t selfish is when you connect with your heart and intuition and hear the sacred whispers and then act on them. In this sense, being selfish means being on a love vibe which only creates more love.
12. I have to sacrifice myself.
The idea of sacrificing yourself comes from the belief that they’ll leave you if you don’t twist and change yourself. Ultimately, sacrificing leads to altering yourself – the self that they fell in love with.
When you sacrifice yourself, you also shrink and belittle yourself. Moreover, if you’ve reached the point that without sacrificing, your relationship wouldn’t work then maybe it’s a sign to move on.
13. I’m not interesting.
How often I’ve heard amazing women saying that they aren’t interesting enough! Well, what about all your crazy and beautiful dreams? What about your secret bucket list that you want to accomplish?
What about your big loving heart for nature and animals? Don’t you see how amazing qualities do you have? What if you allowed yourself to see them too?
14. I need to make more compromises.
The belief that a relationship is about making compromises is deeply seated in our psyches. The previous generations of men and women lived in a world full of compromises.
Though there are two kinds of compromises. One is the “what we eat for dinner“ kind of compromise. While the other is “I can’t have a career that I deeply desire because I have to be home to wash the floors everyday“ kind of compromise.
Although the latter one is a bit exaggerated, you’d be surprised how many people let go of their dreams because their other half didn’t like it. This kind of compromise goes against your inner values, integrity, and who you’re. Don’t let yourself be pushed into making compromises if you get a big internal NO.
15. I have to secure the relationship, or they leave.
Let’s face it; some people hurry into making the next step in a relationship because of the underlying fear of losing the other half. Sometimes such fear can blind us to the point that we shut down the warning signals and instead are keen to make the next move.
Sometimes, the idea of having a relationship, or being married, is more tempting than the person we’re with. Before you hurry into the next step, check whether it’s about the person or the idea of being with someone that excites you.
16. I have to test them.
Many of us have deep wounds, and we project them externally. Unconsciously, we might be testing the other person’s love to see whether it’s safe to be vulnerable with them. Without wanting to, we might push them away.
These little tests don’t need to be evident at first. Still, our partner can feel it without a shadow of a doubt. Ask yourself; do I sometimes create problems to see if they love me?
17. They’ll save me.
It’s especially us women who love to wait for Mr. Special to save us. Until then we tend to put our lives on hold. This belief is dangerous because meanwhile, you’re waiting, you aren’t genuinely present with your life. You keep postponing your dreams because you’ll act on them once you’re with them.
Even before you enter the relationship, you start it off with the wrong intention with this limiting belief. There isn’t a solid foundation for creating an equal relationship if you see them as your savior. To shift this belief, save yourself first.
18. If someone loves me, I don’t need to love myself.
This belief sounds crazy when it’s said aloud. Yet, many people secretly hope that when someone else loves them, they don’t have to deal with this self-love stuff anymore.
I’m sorry to burst your bubble, but if you don’t love yourself, all your insecurities will come to the surface when you’re with someone.
Your partner will continuously mirror all the areas where you lack self-love. And it’ll drive you crazy. The whole Universe vibrates on the frequency of love. Yourself included. Don’t deprive yourself of the gift to fall in love with yourself.
Sylvia Salow is an author, public speaker, and life coach. Watch her TEDx talk on How to Find Your Life Purpose here.
This article was originally published at Thought Catalog. Reprinted with permission from the author.