By Emily Jol
Is all really fair in love and the war-zone that is Tinder? Our sources tell us, no.
If you’re stuck in the single slump or online dating has destroyed your faith in romance, you certainly aren’t alone.
Indulge yourself in these cringe-worthy Tinder horror stories guaranteed to make you feel better about that awkward make-out sesh or the wet cardboard conversationalist who insisted on splitting the bill.
1. The ‘No-Fap’ Chap
I met up with a guy at a bar. It was like pulling teeth to talk with him. I try to talk about travel: “I don’t see why anyone would ever want to leave the US.” I try to talk about running: “ I don’t know why people run for fun.”
Finally, he contributes something as he says he likes cars. So I tell him about how my brother just purchased an Aston Martin: “Aston Martins are shit. I really only like Camaros.” I tell him I drove an old Camaro for 9 years. “You don’t know shit about cars.” (I don’t, not going to deny that…but really, all I said was that I drove a Camaro from age 16-25).
Then, to top it off, he starts talking about No Fap and how he tried that but it just made him angry, so he followed strict “Masturbate once every three days” policy.
Check, please. Separate, duh.
As we part ways, he tries to go in for a handshake. I jokingly ask if he masturbated today. He says yes. I ask if he washed his hands. He hesitates. I smile and say bye, leaving his hand hanging out there. By the time I get home, he has deleted me from Tinder.
2. The Sock Jock
I had a guy come over and he was attractive so we had sex and then went to sleep. I had to work at 1:30 PM the next day. I had to wake this kid up at noon and be like okay bro I have to get ready for work, you need to leave.
My room was absolutely spotless at the time. So he started to get dressed and couldn’t find one sock. He accused me of stealing it. I was like what would I want with your crusty sock. He searched through all my drawers and dumped out my dirty clothes hamper looking for it. I ended up finding it weeks later in my sock drawer. I kind of think he planted it there, but I’m not sure why.
So he finally starts to leave and his car got towed because he parked exactly where I told him not to. Looking back now I would’ve told him too bad, got him an uber and went to work. But I took him to the car tow place so he could get it back. And of courseeeeeee he doesn’t have his wallet. So I had to pay for it and sign for it because he doesn’t have an ID on him. But the car tow place doesn’t take cards so we had to go find an ATM to get cash.
So he finally gets his car, I’m already like 30 minutes late to work, and he goes “okay I’ll call you later” and I just said “never talk to me again.”
He texted a few hours later and said he lost the stylus for his phone. I blocked his number.
3. The Dirty Pillow Case
Went back to his place, presumably for sex, and the pillowcases were stained with blood. Place was filled with empty beer cans. Four, I kid you not, four rusty, hair-filled razors in the shower (all were his — he lived alone.) The sink was coated in hair and toothpaste. I was so disturbed. Then he told me he had a suspended license and a kid he never met, and I high-tailed it home.
4. Just a Small Town Boy
Went on two dates with a guy where conversation was like getting blood from a stone, but I was lonely and lived in a small town. The second date, he drove and then drank a lot, seemingly on purpose so he wouldn’t be able to drive home. This was before Uber/Lyft, and he begged to share a cab back to mine. I agreed, and he spent the whole night crying in my bed about how I was going to leave him. All of my whats.
I broke it off, he then looked up a performance I was in later that year in college and showed up. When the show ended, he waited around to say hi (like friends and family do) and then interrupted me while I greeted people to say “so that’s why you’ve been so busy” and then stormed out. He drove 35 minutes, and sat through a 90-minute play, for that.
5. Jesus The Magician
He gets to my house already drunk. He talked my head off the entire time about nonsense and kept repeating the words “Jesus was a magician.” Then he runs out of whatever he was drinking and goes to the store to buy more. He gets back and stays on his phone the whole time arguing through text with his ex-girlfriend over custody of their kid.
We literally sat in silence for probably 30 minutes with him staring at his phone. Luckily he left without trying anything otherwise I would’ve thrown up just from the thought. And just to clarify, I lived literally right next door to a convenient store and he didn’t tell me he was going there to buy more booze otherwise I would have kicked him out right then and there. – Emifasho
6. The Gym Junkie
Went to get drinks with a guy who seemed very nice, had great conversation, and about an hour into the date puts his drink down and says “You know, you’re kind of pretty, I can’t imagine how super hot you’ll be once I get you in the gym and you lose about 30 pounds.”– TraumaJunkie85
7. The Fake-Strangler
We met at a Starbucks and he kept bugging me to go on a “romantic walk” with him which had 2 problems. 1. He looked nothing like his profile, his photos were all at least 2 years old. 2. I didn’t want to walk anywhere in the dark with someone I had just met, that’s just self-preservation.
Eventually, he pushed the issue so much we decided to walk across the parking lot to whole foods when I joked “haha don’t kill me in this dark parking lot” (as you do) and he proceeded to jokingly put his hands on my neck and fake strangle me. He was more sad and awkward than threatening but that definitely solidified my decision to not call him back.
8. The Dirty Condom
This was before tinder but was a hookup with a chef who worked at a lounge bar type thing. Anyway. I rock up to his place and get in the bedroom. There was a used condom on the floor! I start to leave and he doesn’t see the problem with it. I left and get a text calling me names.
9. Washing-Machine Syndrome
I went on a tinder date that was fairly normal. He was polite and we had good flow with conversation. Dinner and a movie, alls well. He walked me to my car and leaned in to kiss me. I was like ‘okay, let’s see how this goes’.
Worst face violation I’ve ever experienced. It felt like he was encasing the entire bottom half of my face in between his smushy lips and then just started roving his tongue around. I could feel saliva pooling around my lips. I gave it five seconds and broke it off. Quite literally had to wipe the spit off my face with the back and front of my hand. I shudder when I think about it, even over a year later I can feel the phantom drool on my face.
10. Family Love
After a few weeks of swiping right on everyone, without looking, I finally got a notification saying I had my first match, opened the app up.
It was my cousin.
11. Love Thy Cousin?
I went on a date with a guy. We were having an awesome conversation about all sorts of scientific topics and then out of nowhere the guy decides its a good time to say, “You know, I’ve always had a crush on my cousin.” I had no idea how to respond, and I didn’t even have to.
He proceeded to tell me that she lived far away so he didn’t think it really counted. I got up to leave and he was like, “Is it because of the cousin thing?” Um yeah, buddy. For sure. The worst part is, he texted me a month later offering to eat me out and said, “who could refuse such an offer?”
12. The Doll Collection
Not mine but a friend’s. She went on a few dates with a guy she met on Tinder, things were going well and after the third date or so they start just meeting at his place. After about a month of dating, they end up having sex and getting kind of serious. Until she spends the night with him for the first time and finds his collection of severed doll heads in his bathroom cabinet.
Apparently, they all had the eyes blacked out, haircut and pulled out, and paint smeared on them, etc. She politely made an excuse to leave and was so creeped out she ghosted him.
We met for a date at 8…except he’d gotten there at 6 and drank for the two hours leading up to it. He was plastered. He asked me like 4 times if I had siblings, kept asking me what I was going to school for, went on a rant about how he’d never work for “the man” because big corporations were garbage (he literally worked at a Hyundai dealership, but I didn’t point out the irony).
He had an SOS call planned for the middle of the date, which was fine because I did too…except he took the call and proceeded to talk to his roommate for like 10 minutes about how the date was going. He went to the bathroom and disappeared for like 20 minutes (I legit wondered if he’d left).
This was all after our actual first date had to be rescheduled because he got pulled over for having a tail light out and found out that there was a warrant out for not paying several moving violation tickets. I should have taken that as a “don’t date this guy” sign, but I was sad and lonely.
14. The Silent Sociopath
Went to a guys house to get some. Turned out he was a total sociopath. No emotion whatsoever while we had sex. Didn’t even utter a sound and his aura was so intimidating I couldn’t even look at him. When we were done he played Black Ops and after a few moments of silence, he told me he wanted to know what it was like to murder someone to see the life drain from their eyes. I called my friend to come get me.
15. The ‘Greek Kebab’
I once had a man message me asking if I was Greek. When I confirmed this, he said he wanted to eat me like a “Greek Kebab.”
I put my phone down and returned to about 30-40 messages of erotic fiction he wrote about me and himself. He vividly described himself as an irresistible potato farmer and myself as a Greek Goddess who was (for some reason) unable to escape his charm. He then began to detail himself performing sexual acts to me.
When I saw the messages I responded with “ew stop does this ever work on anyone?” It probably goes without saying that he keenly blocked me.
16. Casino Royale
Went to casinos and I wandered away to play at a machine and we got separated. No big deal, the casino isn’t that big. I start looking and not even 5 minutes later, my name comes over the speaker. He had me paged. First date. Last date.
Emily Jol is a writer for SheKnows. Follow her on Twitter.
This article was originally published at She Said. Reprinted with permission from the author.